I've come to the conclusion that i am very good at embarrassing myself because i am too opened up in my blog (?) but well, this is my only way to express my feelings lol. so here we go....
Long story short, not too long ago my college friend asked me who is your best friend? I said, i have so many best friends. i have so many good friends. but i don't stick a label on them.
Fun fact, i don't have best friends or whatever you called it.
I don't labeled those people i love. Not because i don't want to. But because people come and go, and i am a 20th years old human being who is afraid of being left. I played it safe, and i played it cool. I don't give high hopes, even if it is stands a chance, lol.
I don't labeled those people i love, even if i want to. "What
if this "best-friend-kind-of-thing" is only a one sided relation? What
if they only see me as a friend like everyone else? hell, it will makes
me feel pathetic". At least that's what my anxious told me. for me, that's the right case for a "humiliation at its best".
I am a very sensitive human being. I cared over a little thing. It looks like i don't pay attention, but i do. That's why i don't labeled those people i love, to avoid me being so
emotional when they forget about my birthday, when they forget to
mention me in a small talk, when they forget i was the one who visited
some places when they tried to remember with whom they went with. and when actually i am not someone special from the start.
I don't labeled those people i love.
Why?
So when the time's finally come, the time when i won't be a part of
their routine anymore, when i won't be a part of their funny jokes
anymore, when i am not in their list to talk to if problems come up, i don't have to cry my heart out or even waste my
energy on blaming them because they get new pals(s) or actually have someone else as a very close friend and forget that we've shared
stories a long time ago. i don't stick the "best friend forever" label, so i don't have the right to get disappointed. i knew it sounds childish. But maybe that's because i don't have many friends, so i really appreciated small things people did for me even if it is just mentioning my name on a group chat.
So if people asked me did i have someone as close as best friend? yes i do and no i don't. for now, i am focusing on all my friends kindness that have been there when i am feeling down and happy without sticking it into some label.
